How Long is a Night on Derlilium
by Raistlin99
Summary: Twenty four years. That's how long the Doctor gave River. But years of loss and pain leave scars on a heart, and for the man who has two, it's overwhelming. Now the last Pond and Type 40 Tardis have twenty four years to heal the Man who stops the monsters, but will they succeed?
1. Chapter 1

_How many seconds in Eternity? There's a mountain of pure diamond. It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it. Every hundred years, a little bird comes and sharpens it's beak on the diamond mountain. And when the entire mountain is chiseled away, the first second of Eternity will have passed._

Twenty four years is how long a night on Derilium lasts. That's how long the Doctor gave me. That was my happily ever after. What I didn't realize at the time, was that it was his happily ever after too.

That first twenty four hour cycle was so much fun. We drank and laughed and danced the time away. Finally i grew tired and he followed me into the Tardis. He took me to a room and told me it was mine.

As he moved to walk away I grabbed his hand and told him it was ours. I was his wife after all and it was only proper he slept with his wife. I thought he would fight me on it, but after a moments hesitation he conceded to my surprise and followed me inside. After that, I knew why he slept alone.

I woke to his fitful sleep. He mumbled words I could barely make out, like eternity and diamond. I didn't know what they meant that first night, but when he awoke screaming and frantically searching for his sonic screwdriver, I knew why he hesitated.

I grabbed him and held him close, "Doctor it's ok. It's ok. You're safe."

He felt my arms and heard my voice and slowly began to calm down. His hearts slowed and his breathing began to even out as I held him.

"River. I..."

"Hush now. It's alright. You're safe. You're loved."

I held him tighter than I ever had, even when I was scared to death, for in that moment i realized, the Doctor was terrified and he held onto me as if I would disappear if he let go. I pulled him back down and held his head to my chest as I sang him a soft Gallifreyan lullaby he taught me once. It seemed to do the trick as he slowly was lulled back into some semblance of sleep. Twenty four years, and I knew i had my work cut out for me.

The next day we sat down for breakfast and we simply enjoyed the silent comfort of each other presence. Eventually though, I had to ask the question that would sour the mood.

"Doctor, what was it that you dreamed last night?"

He stiffened up, and i could see the wheels turning in that brilliant mind of his. His jaw tightened as he prepared to lie to me, to keep me out of his burden.

As he opened his mouth to speak I warned him not to lie to me, that I could tell, and reminded him that I was his wife. That seemed to stop him for a moment before he nodded slightly and breathed out a hard sigh.

"River I don't want to burden you with my problems. But there are some things you need to know," He began. "I found Gallifrey."

I lit up with joy. The Doctor had found his home. He wish for the last few hundred years had come to pass. This was wonderful. But as I looked at his haunted eyes I knew all wasn't as it seemed.

" Clara died, River. She died and there was nothing I could do to save her."

I knew that hurt. I saw his devastation firsthand when mother and father were taken from him. This would only be similar.

"I was imprisoned, for information on a Timelord prophecy. I was tortured and killed over and over again," He said, barely a whisper.

Now that hurt me, knowing my love had been hurt. And did he say killed?

I asked the question I feared most, "How many regenerations?"

He suddenly, mirthlessly laughed. A loud bitter angry laugh. "I didn't regenerate River. I died. Over and over again," he yelled. "It didn't stop. It didn't end. I remembered them all. Every bit of pain and suffering for over four and a half billion years."

At that I was speechless. Four and a half billion years. I didn't know what to say.

"And in all that time she was gone River. For all that time all I had was the knowledge that I had failed in my duty of care. She was gone," he yelled again, this time throwing his cup of tea in anger. As it smashed against the wall he suddenly broke down, hitting the floor as if all the bones in his body were gone.

I rushed to his side, placing him in my embrace once more as he sobbed. "I tried to save her River. I used the Timelords to try and save her. And in the end I lost her. I broke all my own rules and ran to the end of the universe. And now I don't even remember anything about her. A malfunctioning neural blocker took care of that."

"Doctor it's ok. You did your best. You did more than anyone could have done."

"Maybe. Maybe not. But the neural blocker did more than just erase her. It erased the time i spent in the confession dial, at least to my conscious mind. But when I sleep I'm haunted. Four and a half billion years of your own screams isn't something that goes away. It only adds to the symphony of screams I hear when I close my eyes."

He looked at me then, resolute and strong. His time of weakness was over. "River I'm sorry you had to go through that last night. From now on I'll sleep alone. I don't want you dragged into this with me."

I was shocked. Then I was angry. And he knew it too when my hand smacked his face. "How dare you," I whispered, venom in my voice. "I am your wife. How dare you try and push me out. We made a vow Doctor. Maybe in a different timeline, but we made a vow. And you will honor it or I swear you will feel my wrath."

He thought for a moment, then nodded in acceptance. "OK River. You win. Just understand that after a lifetime of keeping secrets and telling lies, it's hard not to keep you out."

My expression softened at that. "I do understand my love. More than anyone else could. And I'll do everything I can to help you," I said, caressing his tired and worn face.

We rose from the floor after that, the mess already taken care of by the Tardis. I felt her approval as I helped him regain his balance. She agreed with me, as she usually does. I guess we had our work cut out for us, Tardis and Wife of the Doctor. We had twenty four years to heal him. It was time to get to work.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't understand? Are you kidding? Me? Of course I understand. I mean do you call this a war? This funny little thing? This is not a war. I fought in a bigger War that you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes, I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count.

River. It was always River. She had all the answers. Knew him best, even better than himself at times. She was always one step ahead in their game. Then the day came where she wasn't. The day came when he had all the answers and had to lie to her. One night in Derilium. That's all they had left. And then she would leave for the library. And after losing Clara the Doctor wasn't sure if losing River all over again would break him. And those are just on the nights where he ignores the fact that she is already lost.

Clara once said that other people must be like ghosts to me. I denied it. But I wasn't that man anymore. No bowtie or fez to hide behind. And those nights I couldn't help but think I'm truly living with a ghost.

I wanted to change the outcome. I thought of every way he could. But I had rules. Because I wasn't a good man. But the Doctor was. And I had to follow those rules. So I gave her the screwdriver. And when the towers sang I cried. I didn't want her to go. But I've seen the ending. It was as good as a fixed point. So I had to make every cycle count.

So we had a lovely dinner, and drank wine made from some fruit I forgot how to pronounce. And we danced, fast and slow. And soon the cycle came to an end.

We returned to the Tardis, my and sometimes, her home. She wanted me to rest with her. I hesitated, because what if the dreams came to haunt me again? But this was River. She loved me as if I were the stars themselves. So I relented, against my better judgment. I lay my head down and let my unconscious mind wander.

NO MORE!

IS THIS DEATH?

A TEAR SARAH JANE?

ABSOULUTLY FANTASTIC!

I DON'T WANT TO GO!

THE END OF TIME ITSELF!

YOU KILLED HER!

ROSE TYLER I-

RAGEDY MAN GOODBYE!

WAS SHE HAPPY?

REGENERATE!

KILL ME!

I'VE LOST THINGS YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND!

AND WHEN THE ENTIRE MOUNTAIN IS CHISLED AWAY, THE FIRST SECOND OF ETERNITY WILL HAVE PASSED!

I shot up then, shaking, sweating. My hearts were beating and my adrenaline was pumping as I looked for my enemy. I needed the sonic. It always keeps me alive. I couldn't find it! WHY CAN'T I FIND IT.

And then her arms wrapped around me so tight I thought I was being squeezed by a Macra. And her voice soothed my beating hearts. So aptly named, that Melody Pond. Her soft words and gentle fingers caressed my scalp and ran through my hair until I calmed down, the memories beaten back. Davros always said I ran because I dare not look back. There may have been some truth to those words.

Morning came, and I tried to brush off the night as if it never happened. River said never let me see the damage. What she didn't know was that worked both ways.

We enjoyed our breakfast, then she asked exactly what I feared. I wanted to lie, to assure her everything was fine. But this was River, and she knew me, all of my tells and my quirks. Even with a new body and accent she still saw me. And I found that here on Derilium I could deny her nothing.

I told her I found Gallifrey, and bless her she lit up at that. She was so happy for me her face shined. I fought back a dark chuckle, as the Gallifrey I loved was gone.

I told her of how I failed Clara, my best friend. How I let her Face the Raven alone. How Utterly worthless I felt in that moment.

I told her of the Confession Dial, how I died over and over. How I tried to fight and escape the clutches of Rassilon for over four and a half billion years. She even asked me how many times I had regenerated, as if I would have been granted such a mercy.

As I told her everything I grew angry. Angry at Rassilon. Angry at Me. Angry at myself. And angry at the universe for letting Clara Oswald die such an agonizing death. I grew so angry I threw my tea and collapsed, the energy gone from me as I fell into despair.

Then River held me once again. Those wonderful arms held me as if the world would collapse if she let go. Maybe not the world, but certainly me.

Then I truly confessed. I couldn't remember anything. Not Clara. Not my time in the Dial. She deserved to be remembered and I just forgot her. I broke the rules. I broke the Promise and it was for NOTHING.

I told her of my nightmares, how the Time War still haunted me. And I tried to do the right thing, and give her an out. She was my wife, and I loved her. She didn't deserve the mess that I was. It was the wrong thing to do, evidenced by my stinging cheek and her thunderous anger. She rebuked me like only she could.

I apologized then. It seems like I'm always apologizing for something. But this was Derlilum, and I promised I would do right by her.

She picked me up and dusted me off. As she straightened my clothes and wiped the remnants of my tears I could only think of how I didn't deserve her. But I had twenty four years with her, and the universe owed me. I could be selfish. I could be selfish with her.


End file.
